- Therapy is doing me some good. I am no longer looking for a job (which is bad), but not because I believe I am useless and no one will ever hire me (which is good). OTOH I am no longer having crying jags, and a reluctance to get out of bed in the morning. In fact, now that I am medicated (on top of ongoing talk therapy), it seems as if I can't really stay in bed past a certain point of the day. I'll have my 7-8 hours of solid sleep, and then there's some sort of switch that goes "C'mon get up! I'm tired of laying here. Let's go do something. Anything." I never had that before (or if I did, it's been so long that I forgot what it's like to feel compelled to get going).
- Looking for things to do I have ramped up my volunteer schedule. I now work with kids with a not-for-profit after school 2 days a week, and I also just started working one day of the program during school days. It's just nice to be in a classroom again, even though it's not my classroom.
- This weekend, I worked at a workshop for aspiring college students that UW runs every year. It's for kids who are more likely than not the first in their families to aspire to go to college, and they get some help with filling out their applications and working on their essays. When I signed up for it, I was kind of reluctant to go (this being pre-medication and realizing that a problem that is bigger than depression itself is the fact that I have a good deal of social phobia to work through, and a lot of it is centered around my experiences as a teenager), but it was quite simply amazing. I worked with five different kids, read their essays and helped them proofread them. Each and every one of them both impressed me with their stories of determination to go to college, and reminded me how much privilege I have that I had forgotten about (some kids had a very similar background to mine, but my whiteness, I realize, pretty much ensured that I got out of high school a lot better off than they will).* That last part was a real eye opener.
- It's been about 9 years since I last took the GRE. I was one of the first people who was allowed to take the computerized version, which is now almost standard. Next month, I'll face a very different GRE again. Maybe it's the meds talking, but I'm sort of looking forward to it instead of stressing over it.
- Before that, Chris and I are heading to Austin one last time in December so he can walk in a Graduation ceremony. Chris has some paperwork hoops that he needs to jump through, but I think it will all come together before long.
* I would say more about this, but I really don't want to repeat what was said to me in confidence after having earned their trust. Let's just say that they gave me a broader goal should I ever go to grad school: to focus on how and why teachers and administrators end up reinforcing the barriers to education that they are supposed to fight against.
You might want to excuse Thomas Friedman, since he's really run out of ideas in the face of an economic crisis that will likely continue unabated, but he still needed to publish a column. I mean, perhaps he can't afford not to turn in a column, what with how things are going at his place of employment.
Why not blame education? It's such an easy target. Everyone is doing it. People will chime in and say: "Bravo, Friedman! How could we possibly not have seen this before? It's as plain as day." But apparently there were enough infuriated people, in the educational realm and not. So much so that comments are no longer being accepted. While they were, about 400 comments flooded in within a few hours. Ooops. Perhaps allowing more comments would have cost another staffer's job.
I cannot excuse the tactic, nor its execution.
There are so many things wrong with Friedman's screed (I will not dignify it by calling it an argument) that trying to keep all my thoughts on it straight in my head would make it explode. Let's set aside the fact that by definition "exceptional" is meant to exclude most people. Let's set aside that children who come into public schools at five years of age, never having had a book in their home, never having interacted with other human beings who taught them how to respect other people's needs, are not blank slates that can be filled with whatever is needed in order to "succeed" (in whatever version of success we are thinking of). Let's set aside that people who are in the same socioeconomic bracket of Mr. Friedman are also those who always refuse to see their property taxes raised because they don't want to fund public schools that they don't see fit to send their children to (so they would rather use that tax money to pay that private school tuition). Let's set aside that the qualities that he calls upon being "taught" to the new generation of American workers are not innate in everyone (I am sorry, they aren't. Fact. Takes a certain brain chemistry, and I, along with most of you, don't have the right mix). Let's set aside that sometimes those who survive corporate trims are not the best and brightest, but those who are better able to look busier (and who might then collapse under the work pressure when they actually have to inherit actual workload left behind by the departed). Let's set aside that some of the states that have experienced the greater losses have some of the most highly educated people in this country, who lost their jobs along with everyone else.*
Even setting aside all that, I can fault Friedman for his poverty of thought alone. Here's what Friedman's screed boils down to:
We need to fix these failing schools, stat, America. Everyone knows that people who display [sic] "entrepreneurship, innovation and creativity."**, have done better in this economy. We should teach everyone to be like that. This means we need to fix education.
First of all... Have we been offered a glimpse as to how this "fix" should be accomplished, exactly? No. Has he hinted at what exactly should be taught day to day in American classrooms to foster these qualities in children? No. What is the "right" education? I gather no ideas from his articles, which might mean he doesn't have any. Or god forbid, it's some arcane idea about putting chocolate sauce on top of something (preferably books?).
There are in fact people who have spent a lot of their working life trying to figure out how you best foster self-driven learners and how to get children unstuck from the mud of daily "learning" and forward into independent thinking, how to reach the children who seem to be perpetually left behind, even in the NCLB era. However, Friedman seemed unable to bother quoting any one of them, but I fail to be surprised. After all, most educational experts that I found worthwhile to read while being prepared to be an educator (such as Jonathan Kozol, Gloria Ladson-Billings, and Angela Valenzuela) argue against thinking of schooling as a one size fits all, as a means to an end, and instead of bringing back the focus of schooling to the child, and to what he or she needs in order to become a better learner. To make schools places of caring, where children feel they can belong in, rather than shut out of by a treadmill approach to never ending testing (which shuts off caring: a failing student is not a child who needs help anymore, it's what might cost me a paycheck later).
The answer is never simple, does not involve more testing, and requires complex answers and unconventional thinking. Not a pat argument that we should turn schools into molding places to fit business needs. It's been tried. It's what's been going on for decades. It doesn't work. More testing is not going to make it work, and starving public schools as if they were businesses to be run (as is the case in most public schools already, where administrators rise not because they understand the needs of the children in their schools, but because they are better beggars, borrowers, and stealers, anything to trim the budget) is not going to make it work. Thinking out of the box of "teaching as a production system" is going to make it work, true. But it's not thinking out of the box from someone who is neither focusing on the value of education to children, nor bothering to seek advice on what that entails either.
It doesn't incense me that Thomas Friedman and the like are now turning their wagging fingers to public schools, no. There are many things that are inherently wrong in public schools (I would be a fool to say otherwise, and that was part of the reason that drew me to teaching in the first place), and by all means the fact has needed to be addressed for the better part of 20-30 years.
What does incense me is that those who wag their pointers very seldom want to call for us to improve education for its own sake, and very seldom are familiar with that which they choose to criticize. They don't bother to visit the actual public schools and see how the problems pervading them are much bigger and broader than just an emphasis on testing. They don't understand that just a platitude about changing our educational system to foster "entrepreneurship, innovation and creativity" isn't going to cut it. Not when people within the system who are trying to teach "the basics" are forced to beg in order to get the materials to do so. They really need to educate themselves about education, before they talk about it. They won't get that kind of information from an international investor, from a lawyer, and from other pundits. They should talk to people who have looked at the sorry messes that are there, and have tried to train a new generation of educators not to fall into its traps. They should talk to the educators themselves, who are in the trenches every day trying to combat the status quo, one child at a time.
So here's what I would have told Mr. Friedman had I seen his screed sooner, and been able to have left a comment.
Mr. Friedman,
Has it just now occurred to you that maybe our educational system is flawed, in that it isn't allowed to teach consequences for shortsighted behavior? Has it ever occurred to you that the entrepreneurship, creativity, and innovation you so prize and which is displayed by those who have survived in this economy is probably what caused that mess in the first place? After all, how many accounting books were creatively cooked? How many innovative ways to finance mortgages were created in the past 10 years alone? How many entrepreneurs have found themselves failing in this economy because even bigger entrepreneurs have found more and more creative and innovative ways to separate them from their money?
Has it occurred to you that the problem is that all that you ever do to get ahead in schools these days is take countless tests to prove how good you are at retaining information without truly learning what it's good for? That we have taken the human and ethical element out of learning, much like out of everything else? If so, how do you propose to bring that back?
What should children learn, in your esteemed opinion? You know, beyond labeling it "entrepreneurship, innovation and creativity"? They are such broad concepts, and most states require that broad stroke concepts are painstakingly defined before they are applied in a classroom.
I can't wait to read about all of your ideas on this matter. I mean, why would you set your sights on criticizing education, if not because you have such great ideas about teaching and learning that have never occurred to anyone before?
* Something that becomes pretty clear to you as you are trying to get your foot in the door in a public school system where the average number of applicants is 100, and where the degrees many of your competitors hold (MA or better) leave you too underqualified to be able to compete, btw.
** I sure hope they are not letting go more copywriters at NYTimes. How else to explain the lack of commas here?
Things aren't horrible at the moment (they just look that way to me sometimes because I am lacking a sense of perspective lately).
I have a substitute job if I want it. It's at the pre-school I wanted a job at but didn't get. They work off of emergent curriculum, something I knew nothing about before, at least not in terms of knowing the lingo, but the more I read and the more I am interested in it, so assuming I get off my ass and fill out the paperwork (including setting up a TB test, really that's the one thing I don't want to do right now, because I find being poked with needle-like things annoying), I'll get to work in those classrooms sometime, and it will be a good experience.
I am tutoring kids for a not-for-profit after school program, and it feels good being around kids again, like I haven't somehow wasted 3 years of my life (and yes, this sort of endless self-deprecation is a huge part of the problem). I am also considering grad school, but it'll probably only happen if and when I get over the guilt I feel at not having spent enough time in a classroom beforehand (which is out of my control at the moment, I need to remember). Even if going to grad school will be both accepting reality and being humbled by it, it'll be better than sitting on my ass with my current degree. I doubt that the people whose endowments allowed me to finish school would appreciate the inaction on my part at the moment (that is part of the guilt, I accepted monetary gifts with the intent of paying them forward by working in urban public schools, and though I can't help the fact that the school districts around me are not hiring, it still feels like I failed at that).
Chris is getting his dissertation defense on the way, and I am totally grateful for it (he's had to pull teeth, figuratively, to get this to come together, but he's not showing even a fraction of the stress that I would be in, in his position). If all goes well, he'll be getting his PhD in December, and I'd be visiting Austin one last time to watch him take that walk down the aisle, clapping the whole entire time, and in general being embarrassing. If he could see it, that is. In my experience UT graduations, even at the college and not whole university level, are so packed that I will probably be sitting nearly a mile away from where he would be.
I am considering doing stuff that I have never done before, like participating in NaNoWriMo (which was always put off in the past with the excuse that I was too busy to take daily time to write). I have no desire to write a novel at the moment, but it would work out well from the advantage of having something to do on a schedule every day for a month (my therapist and I talked about the importance of routine, and how having mine totally break down over the summer is probably not a good thing for me right now), without having any pressure to have it turn out perfect.
So there is hope out there, through a thicket of trees surrounded by fog, just out of reach, but out there somewhere, I gotta remember.
I officially went into therapy this week.
Depression is a stupid monkey.
So when I last left things off, I had a job I didn't want, and family coming to visit. Quit the job. Family visit went great, though I am reminded that my dad is now not just old, but very old. After my parents left was when stuff really got interesting, however. I'd rather not go into details (I'll save that for some other time), other than saying that I spent almost a week not getting outside much. I missed being able to walk about. So today, feeling much better, I walked all the way to Pike's Place, and was surprised by how the trees have changed colors, and the sky by the waterfront looks gray. I'm kind of digging it.
Seattle Public Schools is finally hiring. I feel like shit for applying for jobs even though I have a job that people are counting me to keep... but... realistically, it's an assistant teacher's job. They questioned why I wanted it anyway, and I said I hoped to branch out and learn some new things. I really did mean it at the time.
What I have learned, however, is that I don't like Montessori as much as I thought I would, and it's probably because I do not seem to match the educational philosophy of the lead teacher. I am apparently too active where I should be passive (Montessori teaching is a lot of observing and providing assistance to children only when they themselves seek it. It is far too passive for me, I like to join the fray and be busy). They hired me because they thought I would be a good fit, and I sort of have to question someone's judgment about that (or was it desperation to fill a spot? I openly wonder).
I feel so torn. Part of me wants to give it more time, see how things work out. Other than feeling out of my league part of the time, I like the work ok. I genuinely like the children, and they are already getting a little attached, and should they become more attached it would be horrible to say goodbye to them. I could do this for a year, and be patient about public school jobs next year.
Part of me really wants a job with the local school district, given how much of a pain in the ass it was for them to open hiring to outside candidates in the first place. The jobs I applied for I could have applied for 3 months ago, had I been a student teacher here. But since I was not... well, here we are. If I don't get my foot in the door this year, next year might be even more frustrating of a process, despite knowing what to expect. Besides, I'm halfway tempted to quit even if I don't find a public school job: I don't believe one can do a job well if they are unhappy while doing it. I'm not even sure I would want a career as a Montessori teacher at this point, so why exactly am I rooting myself down to it?
Incidentally we are closed for the week, so that the school does some needed overhauls, and so that we reopen right on time to match the schedule of the local public schools (also lucky because my parents are visiting me). So basically I have been granted a week's reprieve during which to decide what I want to do (and hopefully for something on the job front to start happening so the decision becomes a little easier for me).
I do fear I made a really bad decision recently, and that it'll be a pain to disentangle from it, whether next week or next year.
So during our move, I somehow managed to misplace not just an ancient bedding set (which does not make me sad, the thing was old and had ink stains in a corner for some arcane reason), but also the fitted sheet from my favorite set. It was some sort of indigo blue, and I had been hoping to replace it, but alas... Can't find anything to match it. I mean it too... I have scoured local retailers, looked on the web, and so forth. Nothing. I bought a different fitted sheet that is close enough to it, but slightly darker, and it sort of grates me that it's darker.
We bought another set that is exclusively for our guest bedroom, since we finally turned our second bedroom into something livable. It looks very nice... if I wasn't in the process of cleaning the rest of the house, I'd post pics. But alas, I've been doing so much job searching and interviewing that the apartment has gotten progressively full of unpacked junk lying around waiting for a home. Today's the day it gets all cleared out, and that I shampoo our carpets to get rid of all the stains it got from the movers.
It'll probably get quieter on here too, after today.
Ok... So you know that whole thing I wrote about Budapest back in May and never got around to posting it because of life and stuff? I got tired of trying to edit it or pare it down in my spare time. I thought of cruelly dumping the whole thing on here, but let's face it... No one would read it. So here's a condensed version:
I'm not sure I'd want to go back to Paris any time soon. OTOH, I'd probably sign my soul away for another chance to visit Budapest.
So... The plan right now is to toil at job search for another month (minus a week or two where we have family in town). Instead of blowing my brains out in September should I not have acquired a job... well... there's a different project in the works. Possibly two. Of the non-brain blowing out variety.
I am semi-seriously considering attending an AMI (American Montessori Institute) school. The drive: 3 hours each way. Avoiding the drive=moving to Portland for nine months.
What I really need is to go get some fresh air, I suspect.
P.S.: What really prompted this is that Seattle Public Schools apparently needs Kindergarten teachers, but will only accept those who are AMI or AMS certified. If you had told me I would need Montessori training to teach public school two years ago I would have laughed in your face. Did I mention how much I hate SPS lately? Because I totally do.
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Have you visited the Boat Street Kitchen on Denny & Western yet? Follow the signs, grab a sandwich, and find... read more
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